I'm Letting Go

In just a few short hours, I will be on my way to India. I cannot believe that I will be with these precious kids in less than two days!
I have a few prayer requests for now:
- Please pray for safe travels
- Rest, as I don't normally sleep on planes and especially not when I am traveling alone
-Quick adjustment to the time change
-Strength---i know the Lord will have to give me all the strength i will need
-and also that i will easily find my place there and know exactly what the Lord wants of me.

Thanks guys! I appreciate your prayers! Next time you hear from me it will be from INDIA! :)

Let Go by Natalie Grant

Changing, Everywhere I am
I've been stuck in a rut, Yeah I've been caught up
Yeah, it happens fast
I'm Moving,To where I wanna begin
I wanna find new life, see new eyes
And breathe again
I'm gonna stop now, take a breath
It's all so crazy
Yeah I'm ready to let go
Looking forward to don't know
Forget about yesterday, get away
And live in the right now
Yeah, I'm ready to let go
And I'm ready follow
Anywhere the road bends
Where it ends I don't know
So let go
Oh, we live in the future
We got our regrets
Cause we don't live in, we don't get into the present tense
It's hectic in my mind
Gonna leave it behind
Don't wanna over think it
Don't worry so much Gonna live this life
And not lose touch
I'm gonna let go

May It Be a Sweet, Sweet Sound...

Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus everyday, HELLO???
Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus everyday, HELLO???
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you everyday, HELLO???
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you everyday, HELLO???

Oh how I have missed the songs. I absolutely LOVE to sing with the kids in India. First of all, it is a rule that any Indian kid loves to sing. Secondly, it is a rule that all the songs have to have corny but really fun motions! :) So there was a whole lot of singing going on the last time I was in India and it was by far one of my favorite parts. I love the silly, gramatically incorrect, strangely sounding (b/c of their accents) songs we sing. Honestly, love it! I cannot wait to hear their little voices. And i love when the kids sit in my lap and ask me to sing to them...moments i never forget.
I leave for India in only 6 days now...and I am definetly looking forward to all of the precious musical moments that await me once i arrive. :)

Overwhelmed

...acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work. 1 Chronicles 28: 9&10
Overwhelming....that is the stage of the journey I am at. I don't just mean overwhelmed by the fact that I am traveling to India alone, overwhelmed because there is just no way everything will fit in my suitcases, or overwhelmed at the thought of again leaving my family and friends for three months. Not that these things are not overwhelming, but I know the Lord is with me and He is fully capable to take care of me. No, I am really feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I am the chosen. Out of millions of people, the Lord chose me. This isn't just a little vacation I am taking. The Lord has chosen me to go and be a mother to his precious kids. He has entrusted them to me, to love them passionately, deeply, unconditionally just as He does. I have no idea why He chose me, but He did and sometimes the task seems so overwhelming. How will I be a mother when I cannot hold more than a very choppy conversation with the kids, how will I provide for their needs when their needs are so numerous, and how will I ever love all 21 of them enough. After all there is only one of me and I only have one lap and two hands, but luckily the Lord has already given a huge part of my heart to these kids and I'm sure they will only continue to take more of it. When I begin to think of these things I become overwhelmed. These kids have nothing and I have so little to offer them, but again that whisper reminds me that the most important thing they need is LOVE. God is their father and He is pretty good at. I know that even though I will not be able to provide everything they need, the Lord is and will continue to take care of them and provide for them. Love them, deeply, passionately, without end....that is the only thing the Lord is asking of me. As time draws near, and as I arrive in India, I need to remember this. I cannot do everything....but I can do something, and I will do all I can while I am there. The most important thing I can do: LOVE without end.
"Once you say the yes of faith to Jesus and accept his blueprint for the fullness of life, the whole world can no longer revolve around you, your needs, your gratifications; you'll have to revolve around the world, seeking to bandage its wounds, loving dead men into life, finding the lost, wanting the unwanted, and leaving far behind all the selfish, parasitical concerns which drain our time and energies." -John Powell

Anticipation

As time draws near for me to board that plane in Pittsburgh, my excitement continues to build to an almost ecstatic level. I can barely believe that in just two short weeks I will be on my way back to the very place I left half of my heart. My arms that have ached to hold my babies will once again be full. I will finally be able to wrap them in my arms and tell them just how much I love them and how much I have missed them. I know there will be tears of joy streaming down my face at this much anticipated reunion.
It seems that no matter what the enemy throws at me to try to discourage me or what parts of the journey may look too difficult, the Lord is showing me his provision and faithfulness in being by my side at all times again and again. Today, I received my visa! Praise God! It processed so much faster than it was supposed to and I know that was all God's doing. I am so in awe of how he continues to provide and work out the details! No matter how crazy His plan may be, I know that only by following Him will my life ever really make sense. Crazy right? Crazy wonderful!
With only two weeks to go and all plans falling into place I can barely stand the anticipation. Everything anyone says to me consistently reminds me of India. I think about it constantly. I truly miss India. I especially miss the very dear people that I love there. No matter how hard this road back to India has been or will be, IT IS WORTH IT! It is more than worth it. I was reading a Karen Kingsbury book the other day, Family, (in the Firstborn series which I would recommend if you enjoy Christian romance novels) and it mentioned a passage in 2 Chronicles 20. I opened up the Word and read the passage and the Lord spoke to my heart. This is the passage:
This is what the Lord says to you: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's...You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." -2 Chronicles 20: 15 & 17
I had been feeling discouraged and even a little afraid, but then the Lord again spoke right into my soul the very words I needed to hear. He is pretty amazing like that. He reminded me that the battle is not mine. It doesn't matter that there are many against me here and in India because God is fighting this battle for me. I just have to take up my position (following Him to India alone and unsure of what's to come) and stand firm (never wavering in believing He is faithful). I don't have to be afraid or discouraged because the Lord will be with me. No matter what. As long as I follow Him and I stand firm, He will be with me and the battle is His.

Lub-dub, lub-dub

I learned from Dr. Kreitzer in Anatomy 1 or 2 that the heart makes a lub-dub sound when it beats. The lub is the closing of the mitral valve (right side of the heart) or tricuspid valve (left side of heart). The dub represents the closing of the pulmonary valve (right side) or the aortic valve (left side). (I hope all of my nursing and pre-med friends enjoyed that :) )
You may be wondering what my point of telling you this was. Well, to be quite honest, I think my 'dub' is malfunctioning. Since I have come home from India, it has been harder to breathe and I think the reason is that my 'dub' isn't working properly therefore blood cannot be pushed to my lungs via my pulmonary arteries or to the rest of my body via my aorta. (sorry...but i have to retain my knowledge somehow...keep it fresh) When I left India, I didn't just leave my clothes and my leftover toiletries, but I also left part of my heart there. Apparently, from what I've learned, it is pretty vital to have all of your heart inside your body at the same time. I guess that is why my 'dub' is malfunctioning. The kids, "my kids", they stole my right and left ventricles and now it is nearly impossible for me to live without them. Believe me, I have tried.
Honestly, a huge, vital part of my heart is still in India. My heart is with my precious babies in Ajmer who I dream about constantly whether I am awake or asleep. My heart is with the amazing kids who lived in our neighborhood. My heart is with the kids who came to our children's program everday at the slum we visited. My heart is with the attention starved kids in and around the leper colony we visitied. My heart is with the beggars whose hopeless eyes touched the very depths of my soul. The Lord has given me an earnest passion for the people of India, and as I prayed for him to make me bold, he did just that. He taught me to love boldly, and in doing so, I lost part of my heart to the people there. I miss them more than words can describe. The fact that in just 3 weeks I will be in India again is unreal to me. Is this really happening? Is it true that I just might be able to breathe normally again when my right and left ventricles rejoin my right and left atria? When I hold my kids in my arms again, these arms that have ached for them ever since I tore myself away less than 2 months ago, will my heart again beat regularly, making that magical lub-dub sound? I know without a doubt that it will. I only pray my 'lub' does not give out until then.
The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through LOVE. Galatians 5:6

Reckless Abandon

As I continue on this adventure, I want to be real on my blog, to let you all in on things I am struggling with, things the Lord is doing in my heart, things I need prayer for, and the ways I know I will see the Lord's miraculous power come through for me and for those around me (or half-way around the world!) again and again. This is me trying my best to be raw and vulnerable. Feel free to leave comments below.
On this incredible journey I call my life there are countless ups and downs. As I do my best to follow the Lord with reckless abandon, I struggle to only listen to his voice alone. In this world, it is often so hard to just Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him... (Psalm 37:7 NIV). Especially when we are bombarded by questions. As I am planning to return to India in only 3 weeks!, I have had many questions thrown in my direction. People consistently wonder how I will raise the support I need. They ask why I don't just finish school first. Why am I going back now? What am I accomplishing? What will I do when I get back in June? How can I afford not to work for another three months (since I have not worked since September 1 when I was getting ready to leave for India the first time on 9/12)? What will I do when I get back? Where will I live? Where will I go to school? Who? What? When? Where? How? And to tell you the honest truth, my answer to these questions: I have no idea! I DON'T KNOW. And that scares people. Sometimes it even scares me. This was never my plan, of course my heart is still in India and I am beyond thrilled to be going back, but I never imagined this would be the course my life would take. I always thought I would attend all four years of college at Indiana Wesleyan University, graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Nursing, work for a couple of years to save some money, meet the man God created just for me, get married, and then move overseas to be a full time missionary. Hmm....for some reason I don't think things are turning out the way I had planned, but just like the Lord always does, He gently reminds me of truths I have known for so long, yet sometimes I still forget. He gently chided me stating, "Good thing you are not in control, I AM." So it is ok that I don't know, because He does. No matter how crazy what I am doing may seem to me or to the rest of the world and even though I may have no idea what I will be doing in June when I get home, I can find peace in the truth that I am not in control.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:31-34 NLT)
So often when I get caught up in the details or I start to worry about tomorrow, I hear the whisper in my heart reminding me to "Be still, know I AM GOD ALMIGHTY, wait patiently, and trust me."
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (1 Kings 19:11-13 NIV)
So often God is in the whisper and I don't even hear it. Be still. Wait patiently. Listen for the whisper.

A Typical Day

A typical day in Delhi:
-Wake up around 7am
-Just me and Jesus time until 9
-9am team breakfast
-10am (or whenever the drivers and translators arrived) leave for ministry---the team split into three different ministry groups, my group went to a slum and leper colony
-After leaving the house, we would drive about an hour to Pastor Lalmani's house (the pastor at the slums) and have chai and visit with his family
-Then we would head to the slums for our children's program
-After the children's program, we would often have people come to the church for prayer or we would visit houses to pray over people...wow! I saw the Lord's miraculous healing power in a way I had never seen it before! Truly God is SO BIG!
-Next, we would drive about a half hour to our leper colony where we would visit with the lepers and their families, pray over people, and play with the kids in the colony and in the nearby slums (more like they attacked us and we attempted to keep our limbs attached to our bodies). These kids where more starved for love than any kids I have ever seen before. They wanted our love and attention so bad that they literally hit us and hurt us just so we would pay attention to them...this truly was a heartwrenching challenge for me.
-Around 5pm we would arrive back at our house in Delhi
-After arriving home, we would have free time until about 7pm (unless you were on dinner duty that week). This is the time we would wash clothes (by hand), shower, play guitar, read, hang out, or do more ministry prep.
-We would normally eat dinner around 7-7:30
-After dinner, we would usually have either team teaching time, small group time, worship, or free night (Monday).
-We usually went to bed between 11pm and 12am

-This was a normal day in Delhi, except for Mondays (prayer days), Saturdays (off days), and Sundays (church and a little afternoon free time)

What Is Love?

My first trip to India changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. When I departed in September, I had no idea what to expect. I only knew the Lord had a great plan for this time. After a week of training camp and team building with the 17 other people I would be living with for 3 months, we left the comforts of America and headed to India where I found a new home. India was nothing like I imagined and it definetly was not all pleasant, but while I was there I fell in love like never before. I'm not even sure that I really knew ( I mean REALLY knew) what love was until that point. Love is unconditional. Love doesn't take into consideration what caste you are in, what you are wearing or not wearing, and love truly is blind. I learned what love was while having to wipe off the dirt on my face and arms after playing with a bunch of kids in the slums and leper colonies that don't have parents who keep them well bathed and dressed. I learned to love while letting a little boy wipe another little boy's spit off of my face with his left hand (which is considered the unclean hand in India). The Lord taught me unconditional and true, deep love again and again as babies fell asleep in my arms and as I had no idea where their parents were, I just sat on the steps holding them. He taught me love as I heard orphans screaming praise to His name. I learned new depths of love as I lived with 17 other people in one house for three months with very little alone time. I learned that love truly knows no language.
It was in Ajmer at the orphanage I will be heading back to on Feb. 27 that I fell so deeply in love with 21 of the most precious kids. I can hardly believe that I have only spent 2 weeks with them, yet I love them so passionately. I would do absolutely anything for them. The love I have been given for them is surely from the Lord and it is unlike anything I have ever felt before. While I was with them, I was complete and I was overflowing with joy. When I had to leave and I did not know if I would ever see them again, I felt like life was spinning out of control. My heart literally hurt and I could barely breathe. Now, as I am counting down the days until I return, I can barely stand the anticipation. I am beyond excited to go and hold them in my arms. I absolutely cannot wait to bandage their boo boos, to wipe away their tears, to sit with 3 of them in my lap at one time, to pray with them, to play catch with bottle caps, to sing with them, to rub lotion on their arms and legs and then tuck them into bed, and to just simply love on them. It is so humbling to me that the Lord has chosen me to go and pour out His love on them for this time. Love, as I found out, truly can make a huge impact on the people the Lord places in our paths. Our mission really is that simple: just simply and passionately love all people everywhere at all times.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1