Unfailing God

Though my eyes may fail me, I will follow after you

Though your promise seems forsaken, I remember the World's in Your Hands

You'll find me singing

You are unfailing God, Your love's unending

And Your Word is eternal, firm in the Heavens it stands

Eyes can't see but I feel You near

I know You're working through my tears

I trust You, LORD I TRUST YOU FOR YOU NEVER WALK AWAY

You are unfailing God, Your love's unending

And Your Word is eternal, firm in the Heavens it stands

UNFAILING GOD, UNFAILING GOD

YOUR LOVE IS UNENDING

-New Life Worship, "Unfailing God"

I find comfort and peace through this song. But I also find myself challenged and inspired. God is unfailing. His love is unending. So why do I fear? Why do I let satan back me into the corner. Why can't I be bold for my Savior? Why do I fear the unknown? Why is it so challenging and stretching for me to trust God and follow Him where He leads one step at a time. I am inspired....because no matter what satan may throw at me, my God is unfailing. He is mighty to save. He never walks away. I want to stop hiding behind my insecurities, my doubts, my fears, my lack of knowledge, and my inability to comprehend His ways. He is unfailing.

"a love that requires absolute assurance in order to act is not love...when we can say we will follow God regardless of the uncertainty, then real faith is born - for love acts not whenever a certain set of criteria has been met, but rather because it is in the nature of love to act." ~Pete Rollins

Terminal Restlessness

I cannot forget. My heart cannot be mended.

My eyes cannot stop seeing. I cannot forget.

In my experiences working at the hospice center, I have learned a new term: terminal restlessness. When I first started working there I honestly thought terminal restlessness was just a technical sounding term the nurses made up for patients we can't keep in their beds. But after about a month of working there, I finally realized it is a real diagnosis that often occurs in terminally ill patients. It causes them to never be still. They squirm around even in their sleep. They cannot be still. They cannot find rest.

I finally realized what is wrong with me. I am terminally restless. I mean I can sleep and sit still, though my mom would probably beg to differ as she claims (and I admit she is right) I have always had a hard time being still, but I can't shake this restlessness in the depths of my soul. My eyes have been opened to things in this world that I am not ok with. I can't go back to mindlessly sipping my starbucks chai tea, when I know how good the chai in India tastes (it originated there after all). Ok but on a more serious note, I can't go back to how I was and I would never want to. I can't live comfortably here when I have sat on the dirty alley way of a small leper colony conversing with "the least of these."I have seen their "houses" that are really just very small roomd consisting of a wooden bed and very few personal items where sometimes 5 people or more may live. I have grasped their disformed hands in love and I have even bandaged their deep, scarring wounds. The images are frozen in my mind and my heart is broken for them as I think of how the only "job" they can get is as a beggar because in India they truly are the lowest class. I cannot be content with the mundane of just going to work to get money to sustain my comfortable life, when I have lived with 21 kids who sleep on ten bunk beds (2 to each bed) all lined up in one room. They possess so few personal possessions. Their parents are no where to be found, they only have God and each other and yet their joy overwhelms me. I cannot forget how passionately they pray and how loudly they sing praises to our King. I cannot forget the kids who lived on the street my team lived on. Their faces are etched into my heart. I once held a sweet baby girl on our front stoop. She fell asleep in my arms and since I didn't know where she had come from, I just held her close until someone came and took her home. I cannot forget what it feels like to hold these precious, dirty, neglected kids who don't know what the arms of love feel like. I cannot forget the small room at the slums that 70 kids would cram into just to get a glimpse of Jesus' love for them through 5 inadequate Americans willing to be there. I know our white skin helped us draw a crowd as it is quite a fascination in India, but I am confident it was Jesus' Love in us that really drew those kids in. They were desperate for a taste of it. Just a handshake (Indian style of course) or a hug. Anything to tell them that they are worth something. I cannot forget the way the kids in and around the leper colony would literally fight over us to the point that we were lucky to leave everyday with our arms and legs in tack in their desperate struggle for a taste of love and attention. I cannot forget the hopeless look in the eyes of the countless beggars. I cannot forget their desperate need for a Savior to overthrow the thousands of "gods" of the hindu religion. The awesome thing is: I know the one, true Savior who is just the one to do it. I know the One who loves the people of India, His people so desperately. He loves them and He wants them back. He cares so much for them and because of that, He has given me a passion to love them too.

My eyes have seen. My feet have walked the dusty and dirty streets of India, through the city, the leper colonies, the orphanages, the slums, and even the hindu temples. My ears have heard the cries of the hurting. God has truly ruined me for the ordinary of this world. He has afflicted me with terminal restlessness, but oh how grateful I am for this affliction. I am grateful for the way God has broken my heart for the things that break His heart. I am grateful that He has allowed me to experience and see these things with my own eyes so that He could instill this intense passion in me.

I cannot forget. I do not want to forget.

***I am not saying everyone needs to leave everything behind and go to some far off land...we are all called to different things. God instills different passions in each and every one of us. He calls us all to different areas of ministry. That's how His work is accomplished because it just wouldn't work if we all did the same thing. There are important and greater works to be done here in america and I do not doubt that at all. As well as there are greater works to be done everywhere. Where God calls you personally is where you should be "terminally restless" to go. Whether it is to your workplace where you are a light to your coworkers or if it is to the farthest corners of the world. Wherever you are called live boldly in His love and glorify Him in everything...I really do think it is that simple.***

Life is Short, Love Boldly

"Love and say it with your life." ~St. augustine

In this season of my life God has been showing me just how short our time here on earth really is. We were created for eternity and our time here is really so brief. I am once again reminded that my perspective needs to be an eternal one, not just a here and now. Basically it comes down to three questions:

Am I loving God fully (more than anything or anyone else)?

Am I surrendering to Him completely in all areas of my life (and obeying no matter the cost)?

Am I showing His love to every single person I encounter (selflessly and unconditionally)?

God has been working in my heart through recent situations. It all began with a sudden and shocking death in my family. When someone I loved died far too young. It wasn't fair. He wasn't even 20. I struggled through this knowing full well that God was still on His throne, He is the Almighty One, and He will redeem even the worst of tragedies. Yet I was hurt. I wanted to be angry. I wanted an answer. But like always, the Father gently pulled me in close and whispered, "My sweet child, I hate this as much as you do. You are right, it's not fair and he was much too young. But don't doubt my love or my power. Don't you know it hurts me greatly to see my children in pain. Don't you remember how much I love you. I watched my Son agonize and die on the cross because I couldn't bear to be seperated from you for eternity. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart. I have overcome the world." These words spoke straight to my heart and continue to bring comfort. Instead of allowing Satan to claim victory in this tragedy by allowing my anger and hurt to take over, I allowed God to claim yet another victory in my life. I have decided to learn and grow through tragedy as I have only become more firm in my resolve to live everyday of my life passionately, recklessly, and fully for the GLORY OF GOD. I continue to learn more and grow stronger in my resolve as I work everyday with the dying. As a nurse's aide at a hospice center I experience life and death on a daily basis. Of course, death is a part of life. We all will die. But sometimes, when the person is young, it is hard to watch. I find myself questioning, wondering, and on the edge of doubting God's sovereignty yet again. A 27 year old with cancer, a wife and a baby....Lord why do I have to watch him die? You can heal him so why aren't you doing something?! I watch a woman in her fifties waste away as the cancer eats her up. I see the heartbreak of the families. I feel it in my heart too. Somedays I feel like my heart won't even be able to beat anymore because it feels so broken for all the hurting around me. But this, this is what God has asked of me right now. To walk alongside patients and their families in the final and often hardest days of their lives. It is a privelege to love them. To allow God in me to minister to them in His great love. It is hard. It breaks my heart daily. But the day things stop breaking my heart, is the day I will have lost it all. After all, I pray often that God will break my heart for what breaks His heart, and I know it breaks His heart to see us in pain. In this world, there is so much pain, heartbreak, and tragedy and if we let it, it will overwhelm us and paralyze us into a state of helplessness. My heart is so broken. It breaks for the families I encounter daily. It breaks for the 143 million children who have no one to love them, hug them, kiss them, or hold them. It breaks for the children forced (and sometimes sold by their very own parents) into a life of modern day slavery. It breaks for the young woman and even young girls who are forced to think that prostitution is their only way out. It breaks for the millions of people who don't know Jesus as their loving Savior. It breaks. But God, in His perfect love, holds me together. Reminding me that I can't fix it all and He isn't asking me to. He simply calls us to be obedient and love boldy, passionately, and without end.

"No one person can change the world,

but you can change the world for one person."

~George Hoffman

"Jesus had one objective in life. He wanted to glorify the Father. His attention was on the Father. He came to do the Father's will. Think of how far we have drifted from Jesus' objective." ~Ron Auch

How GREAT is our God?

You're the God of this city. You're the King of these people.

You're the Lord of this nation, you are.

You're the Light in this darkness. You're the hope to the hopeless.

You're the peace to the restless, you are.

There is no one like our God. There is no one like our God.

For GREATER things have yet to come

And GREATER things are still to be in this city.

For GREATER things have yet to come

And GREATER things are still to be done here.

Chris Tomlin, God of This City

This song has brought a ray of hope into my life over the last week. The Lord has reminded me that His work is NEVER finished. I am still grieving over the people I love and had to leave in India and I still want to go back more than anything else. But God has reminded me of this: His work is not finished. He still has something GREATER that He wants to do. God's work is never finished. He has a plan and purpose for everything we do in our lives. If we are surrendered to Him, then He will use us for his GREATER works in every circumstance of our lives. So no matter how much of my heart is still in India, I have found a little peace in God's revelation (again...haha) that He wants to use me here too. His power is just as great here in "We have it all, America" as it is in the poorest slums, leper colonies, and orphanages of India. He has shown me that by feeling so hopeless here I have been limiting His power. I can still grieve and miss my kids. I can still ache and long for the people of India that have stolen my heart (He is the one, after all, who gave me the deep love for them in the first place), but I have to surrender to God and His purpose for me in the here and now. I know that if I can do this, GREAT things will happen. It is, after all, the small things done with "reckless" love that God turns into His GREAT works.

I Am Held

"God does not leave us comfortless, but we have to be in dire need of comfort to know the truth of His promise. It is in time of calamity...in days and nights of sorrow and trouble that the presence, the sufficiency, and the sympathy of God grow very sure and very wonderful. Then we find out that the grace of God is sufficient for all our needs, for every problem, and for every difficulty, for every heartbreak, and for every human sorrow." ~Peter Marshall

In my days and nights of sorrow and in the midst of my heartbreak, I feel the Lord holding me like never before. I know without a doubt that I would not have made it through the last 3 weeks if he hadn't been my strength. His grace is sufficient. The deep sorrow I feel over leaving "my babies" in India who I love so deeply will not break me. The Lord was, is, and will continue to hold me together until I can stand on my own again. What an incredible love our Father has for us.

This is what it means to be HELD

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive

This is what it is to be Loved and to know that the promise was

When everything fell, we'd be held

~Natalie Grant, "Held"

Hello America

I just wanted to post a quick update to let you all know I am back safely in America. The Lord was so faithful to me on my journey home with few delays and even 3 seats to myself on my second flight so I was able to sleep for four hours. I am so thankful for all of your prayers and encouragement. I will post more about the things the Lord has done later. If possible, please continue to pray for me as my body tries to adjust to the time change and the food. Pray for my heart as it is hurting, and please pray that I will know the next step the Lord has for me so I can follow Him unwaveringly.

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

May 6

Hey everyone. I cannot believe today is may 6. My time left here is so short and it honestly hurts my heart so much. The Lord has done so much in my life and in the kid's lives. I cannot even describe to you how far I have come with them. Leaving will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Please pray for my heart and the kid's hearts as goodbye draws nearer and nearer. Also, please pray that I will continue to love BOLDLY for the time I have left. The Lord truly is my strength and providing all I need to get through every day.
Everyone here is doing well. Funny story: last week I got lice. It is funny because it wasn't a big deal at all. Instead, the kids picked the bugs and eggs out of my hair and then washed my hair for me. It actually felt like a massage so it was nice. Honestly...I actually feel like having lice blessed me more than hurt me. Oh how I've changed....actually...if that is what I get for taking naps with the kids and snuggling in bed with them....then I will gladly have lice for the rest of my life! I cannot describe my love for the kids....I know I say that a lot, but it is the truth.
Thank you for praying. Sorry my updates are so short, but time is limited.
I love and miss you all! Blessings

Help

Sorry I have not updated in a few weeks. Time is flying by. It honestly scares me that I have just a little over a month left here. The progress I have made with the kids here is truly only by the Lord's grace. When I first arrived here, I had to work to love the kids. Then, slowly they allowed me to love them more and more. Now finally, they have surrendered to my love and willingly and openly come to me for it. It was truly a blessing for me to be told by the pastor here that the children tell him they get love from me. I know that this ministry is important and meaningful. This is God's future army, and it is so important that they know and receive love. What a blessing for me to give that to them. I honestly cannot describe to you the love I feel for them...deeper than I ever imagined.
I have a request for all of you: This children's home is supported by only man and his family and they struggle monthly to send the support needed. I am asking you to prayerfully consider partnering with him by agreeing to support one child every month. These kids need your help. It is so important that this home is not shut down because it is a safe place that provides food, shelter, and most importantly the love of the Lord for these kids. So please, if you want to help, contact me at kellylynne23@yahoo.com I will give you further information through email at that time. Please contact me if you have any interest or any questions. I will get back to you as soon as I can, but please realize internet access is limited here. Thank you for considering this.
A few prayer requests:
-First for health, as it is so hot here, we have all been struggling. Pray that the Lord would prevent any future problems.
-Safety
-That the Lord will open the doors for me and make my next step clear after leaving here
-That the Lord will already be holding my broken heart together as I know I will one day have to leave the children I have come to love so deeply (and will knowingly break many of their hearts as well)
-Strength, patience, and grace to abound in my life....that i will do nothing out of selfish ambition
-I will continue to learn more Hindi
I am so appreciative of all of your prayers! I could not be doing this without all of you. Life is wonderful here and truly the Lord is working in my life in extraordinary ways. I love you all. Blessings until next time!

Aunty

I got a few minutes of internet time tonight as a surprise...haha. I am doing great. The kids are wonderful. I cannot believe this is real honestly. It is a dream come true for me to spend everyday just loving these precious kids. I have decided that "Aunty" is by far the sweetest name I have ever been called...I believe the only sweeter name would be "mommy." I think I melt everytime my name is called. Aunty, aunty, aunty. PRECIOUS! Everyday my relationships with the kids get stronger and stronger and even when I leave for only an evening the kids tell me to hurry back. It honestly feels like I am dreaming. The Father is truly amazing and so great.
I can now read Hindi, just very slowly. Please continue to pray for my Hindi reading and speaking. It is so helpful to me!
I appreciate your prayers so much...we all do. I love you all and miss you. Blessings!

Time Flies

The old saying, "Time flies when you're having fun," has been so true for me here. I have been gone a month now and it feels like I have been gone about 3 days. The days and weeks just run into each other as I continue to simply love. There are many struggles and I consider this crazy rollercoaster adventure the hardest and best thing I have ever done. I really have to hurry this update, but I just wanted to let you all know I am doing wonderfully! We had a really great Easter service yesterday and a church dinner afterwards. It was a great day of worship and fellowship. Truly refreshing not to think about the Easter bunny even once the whole day and to just focus on the reality...He LIVES!
I love you all and miss you. Please continue to keep us all in your prayers. They are so appreciated. I hope you all had a blessed Easter!

Quick Update

I wanted to also write a quick update about the happenings here. The kids took their exam today and now have a 10 day break from school. This week, we will be having a Maundy Thursday service, Good Friday service, and of course a special Easter service. It is exciting for me to be away from the commercial aspect of Easter in america and simply focus on Jesus and the miracle of his death and ressurection. I know this will be a blessed week. I hope all of you also have a blessed Easter week.
A few prayer requests:
-first for safety as their are no boundaries around our house and we live out in the country....often thieves come at night, but don't worry i keep my doors and windows locked, but please pray for safety of not only me, but also the kids and the principal, his wife, the two pastors, and the cook/driver.I know the Lord keeps us safe, but prayers never hurt!
-things are getting better with the older boys but i would ask you would continue to pray for my relationships with them
-also please keep praying for my Hindi...Hindi is SO hard
-and just for strength and good rest
Well i pray you are all well and I appreciate your support and prayers so much! Lots of love!

Simply God

The past 18 days of my life have been full of many things, joy perhaps the greatest of these, along with occasional loneliness, deep love, lots of confusion, ackward moments, lots of tickling, hand holding, snuggling, strained conversations, a few tears, and an abundance of laughter! Most of the time I truly don't know what is going on. It's often 2 minutes before I am supposed to go somewhere or do something when I find out about it. Flexibility is truly key here...because even when they tell the kids and I'm standing right there, I still have no idea because I cannot understand. So my days are full of confusion, but the joy, the laughter, the tickling, the games, the chasing, and snuggling are the things I remember each night before I go to bed. These are the kind of moments that have been stealing pieces of my heart. The simple moments that I have come to realize are truly the very reason I am here. I only hope that you will be blessed by the pure simplicity of my ministry. The simple moments when 4 or 5 kids hold my hands at the same time, pulling me in 3 different directions saying "chello aunty" (let's go aunty). How three year old Mona rarely leaves me and either must be in my arms or holding my hand....I love to hear that little voice saying, haut, haut aunty (hand, hand) or feel her little arms reaching up for me to pick her up. The moments when I chase the kids up to the top bunks to tickle them. Times like yesterday when Mona had a fever and I sat in her bed with her head in my lap rubbing a cool cloth over her body. Or later when I gave Mona a bath and six year old Ruth, perfectly capable of bathing herself wanted me to bathe her because no one has ever done that for her before. And while we were in the bathroom five kids stood outside screaming Kelly Aunty and banging on the door and throwing water in the window! Or the times when I am in my room maybe for bathing or preparing a Bible game and they stand outside my door knocking saying Kelly Aunty. Or yesterday, when Vinod blindfolded himself and took hold of my hand to have me lead him all over including up and down a lot of stairs....funny kid. Or today playing hide and seek. Or when eight year old Badal jumps into my arms and is content for me just to hold him for awhile. Or when 8 kids call for me to watch them as they use makeshift slingshots to sling rocks high into the air. Moments like yesterday when I helped the kids study for their exams and today after their exam they all wanted to show me their papers so I could tell them they did a good job. Or times I help them wash their clothes. Or how every night after dinner I walk the youngest kids back to their room because it is dark and they are afraid. And how whenever my lap is empty someone will crawl into it, or if my hands are free, someone will hold onto them. For these kids, they have never had someone (for more than a week at a time) who loved them unconditionally and just truly desires to pour constant love on them. They soak it up often without realizing it. The fact that Ruth wanted me to bathe her almost made me cry as I realized tender loving care is something these kids have been missing for so long. The other day I was reading in Heeralal's notebook (he is one of the older boys, 14 yrs. old) and I read something that brought tears to my eyes. He had written out, in English, 2 Corinthians 6:18 "I will be a father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." For these kids, this isn't just a comforting verse, this verse is truly a promise they cling to. They have been abandoned by everyone who should love them here on earth and truly the only one they can count on his the Lord. He is their father. The amazing thing is that the Lord decided to use me to shower some much needed motherly love on the kids. So it may seem like my ministry here is nothing special, but truly the Lord has brought me here at this exact time for His glory and for His purpose. The simplicity of simply loving these kids is truly a ministry that is needed. Simple moments make a big impact. It's simply God working.

Love So Deep

I never knew love like this could exist. I fall deeper and deeper in love everyday. My arms are always full and there is always a voice around me saying, "Aunty, haut, haut" (aunty, hand, hand) they truly ache for motherly love, a little affection...what a blessing to be able to give that to them. I love helping them get dressed, wash their clothes, comb their hair, or just cuddle them. We just walk around, run around, cuddle, talk(haha), and always LAUGH! Honestly I ask myself countless times, can life get better? I submit that it cannot!

Pure JOY

Another week passed too fast. Life is so different for me here, but different in a very good way. I actually cannot believe this is my life right now. Many times, I actually stop and have to remind myself I am not dreaming. A journal excerpt:
I just finished tucking in the little ones and saying goodnight to all the kids. Now I am sitting in my room in awe of the Lord's goodness. I am at home here and I know my life was created for days like these. Everywhere I look I see the face of Jesus. He is in the kids smiles, their laughter, their prayers, and their songs. Jesus is fully alive in each and everyone of these kids. Tonight in evening prayer, i could not stop my tears. As four, five, and six year old kids volunteered to pray and did so passionately it ripped out what was left of my heart. These beautiful children are the future---they are the future army of the Lord. What a beautiful sight to behold---the Lord's army in training. What an incredible privelege to be a part of their training. I am so unworthy, yet the Lord sent me anyways. I am in awe.

I cannot describe to you how fully my heart is...yet the Lord didn't just bring me here to serve, because now I can see his plan to change my heart too. Here I am alone and at times, when the kids are in school or at night after I tuck them in, the loneliness creeps in and threatens to overwhelm me. This is the first time I have been without friends, family, or a fellow English as a first language speaker. Every conversation takes my utmost concentration. But the Lord is good. In my lonelinesss he holds me. I know the Lord is enough and he will always sustain me...but he is showing me in depths like never before that he is my best friend. When I have no one to talk to, he is there always listening. He holds me as I hold the kids. I know the Lord has a plan to bring me into a more intimate relationship with him. It's just like him to fool me into thinking I was here for others and really he wants to change my heart.
I cannot express to you how wonderful my relationships with the kids are....everyday things get a little less ackward. I still have no idea what is going on most of the time, but the play time, snuggle time, and pagal (crazy) time i spend with the kids is worth the ackwardness. I have a few prayer requests:
-that i would continue building relationships with the kids (esp. the older boys) and with Aunty who helps cook, and with Jyoti Aunty (the principal's wife)
-please pray for my Hindi as I am trying to learn to speak, read, and write Hindi...i need the Lord's help! although hearing hindi nearly 100% of the time has definetly helped me pick up on some more
-and just for good rest, nights seem to be ackward times for me, and it would be so helpful to sleep soundly through the night
Oh and a funny picture for you...today I had about 2 minutes notice that I would be teaching the nursery class for the whole day...no preparation time! imagine a substitute teacher(you all know how they are treated) who cannot speak the language! it was crazy...and only by the Lord's grace did i survive!!! HAHA
THANKS EVERYONE! Love to you all!!!

Finally Home

Words cannot express my joy. Home...my heart is finally home.
I honestly don't know what to write because I know that nothing I could possibly say could ever describe what is in my heart. I am back in India. I made it here safely with no problems while traveling. Praise the Father. I did not sleep for almost 3 days straight so it really helped me get over jet lag fast. It is much warmer here than in America, definetly no snow.
My days are filled with laughter, tickling, hand holding, snuggling, straining to understand and speak Hindi, and lots and lots of love. Pure JOY. I know this is where the Lord wants me to be and it feels so right. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. They are definetly being answered. The Lord is supplying all I need and so much more. His provision is a true testament to His greatness. As I was traveling to India, I journaled a lot. Here is an excerpt that I think describes my feeling about India.
India, the people, oh they take my breath away. The dark hopelessness of the nation touches a place deep in my soul that I didn't even know existed and it stirs me to give up anything the Lord asks just to pour out a little more love on people so desperate for it. Their stone gods don't love them, don't answer their cries for help, don't draw near to comfort them. No, they do nothing but demand praise and money offerings. I don't even know how many gods they have, but i know the number is staggering with billions of people caught up in it. It is a part of the culture. Many try to escape it, but it is nearly impossible, or so it seems. But that is just what draws me to India-that same hopeless impossibility because I know that nothing is ever impossible with the father. I saw that so evidently last time as many were healed in the slums and one man came to know the father. I see hope alive in the faces of all the pastors i meet here as they endure ridicule and persecution, yet never lose hope. I see hope clearly as I hear the kids scream praise to the father and I hear them take turns reading the word. You see, the people of India are his people too...and as long as they are lost, he will continue to raise up strong men and women who will choose to always HOPE no matter how dark and desperate the situation may seem. I know HOPE is fully alive in India because there are people willing to stand for it when no one else will. So that's why I go. I go to help feed the fire of HOPE no matter how small my contribution may seem because it does matter and it does make a difference.
I wanna set the World on fire, until it's burning bright for you. It's everything that I desire, can I be the one you use? I am small, but you are big enough. I am weak, but you are strong enough to take my dreams, come and give them wings. Lord with you, there's nothing I cannot do. (Brit Nicole-Set the World On Fire)
Love to you all.

I'm Letting Go

In just a few short hours, I will be on my way to India. I cannot believe that I will be with these precious kids in less than two days!
I have a few prayer requests for now:
- Please pray for safe travels
- Rest, as I don't normally sleep on planes and especially not when I am traveling alone
-Quick adjustment to the time change
-Strength---i know the Lord will have to give me all the strength i will need
-and also that i will easily find my place there and know exactly what the Lord wants of me.

Thanks guys! I appreciate your prayers! Next time you hear from me it will be from INDIA! :)

Let Go by Natalie Grant

Changing, Everywhere I am
I've been stuck in a rut, Yeah I've been caught up
Yeah, it happens fast
I'm Moving,To where I wanna begin
I wanna find new life, see new eyes
And breathe again
I'm gonna stop now, take a breath
It's all so crazy
Yeah I'm ready to let go
Looking forward to don't know
Forget about yesterday, get away
And live in the right now
Yeah, I'm ready to let go
And I'm ready follow
Anywhere the road bends
Where it ends I don't know
So let go
Oh, we live in the future
We got our regrets
Cause we don't live in, we don't get into the present tense
It's hectic in my mind
Gonna leave it behind
Don't wanna over think it
Don't worry so much Gonna live this life
And not lose touch
I'm gonna let go

May It Be a Sweet, Sweet Sound...

Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus everyday, HELLO???
Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus
Teleeeephone to Jesus everyday, HELLO???
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you everyday, HELLO???
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you
Jesus say I love you everyday, HELLO???

Oh how I have missed the songs. I absolutely LOVE to sing with the kids in India. First of all, it is a rule that any Indian kid loves to sing. Secondly, it is a rule that all the songs have to have corny but really fun motions! :) So there was a whole lot of singing going on the last time I was in India and it was by far one of my favorite parts. I love the silly, gramatically incorrect, strangely sounding (b/c of their accents) songs we sing. Honestly, love it! I cannot wait to hear their little voices. And i love when the kids sit in my lap and ask me to sing to them...moments i never forget.
I leave for India in only 6 days now...and I am definetly looking forward to all of the precious musical moments that await me once i arrive. :)

Overwhelmed

...acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a temple as a sanctuary. Be strong and do the work. 1 Chronicles 28: 9&10
Overwhelming....that is the stage of the journey I am at. I don't just mean overwhelmed by the fact that I am traveling to India alone, overwhelmed because there is just no way everything will fit in my suitcases, or overwhelmed at the thought of again leaving my family and friends for three months. Not that these things are not overwhelming, but I know the Lord is with me and He is fully capable to take care of me. No, I am really feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I am the chosen. Out of millions of people, the Lord chose me. This isn't just a little vacation I am taking. The Lord has chosen me to go and be a mother to his precious kids. He has entrusted them to me, to love them passionately, deeply, unconditionally just as He does. I have no idea why He chose me, but He did and sometimes the task seems so overwhelming. How will I be a mother when I cannot hold more than a very choppy conversation with the kids, how will I provide for their needs when their needs are so numerous, and how will I ever love all 21 of them enough. After all there is only one of me and I only have one lap and two hands, but luckily the Lord has already given a huge part of my heart to these kids and I'm sure they will only continue to take more of it. When I begin to think of these things I become overwhelmed. These kids have nothing and I have so little to offer them, but again that whisper reminds me that the most important thing they need is LOVE. God is their father and He is pretty good at. I know that even though I will not be able to provide everything they need, the Lord is and will continue to take care of them and provide for them. Love them, deeply, passionately, without end....that is the only thing the Lord is asking of me. As time draws near, and as I arrive in India, I need to remember this. I cannot do everything....but I can do something, and I will do all I can while I am there. The most important thing I can do: LOVE without end.
"Once you say the yes of faith to Jesus and accept his blueprint for the fullness of life, the whole world can no longer revolve around you, your needs, your gratifications; you'll have to revolve around the world, seeking to bandage its wounds, loving dead men into life, finding the lost, wanting the unwanted, and leaving far behind all the selfish, parasitical concerns which drain our time and energies." -John Powell

Anticipation

As time draws near for me to board that plane in Pittsburgh, my excitement continues to build to an almost ecstatic level. I can barely believe that in just two short weeks I will be on my way back to the very place I left half of my heart. My arms that have ached to hold my babies will once again be full. I will finally be able to wrap them in my arms and tell them just how much I love them and how much I have missed them. I know there will be tears of joy streaming down my face at this much anticipated reunion.
It seems that no matter what the enemy throws at me to try to discourage me or what parts of the journey may look too difficult, the Lord is showing me his provision and faithfulness in being by my side at all times again and again. Today, I received my visa! Praise God! It processed so much faster than it was supposed to and I know that was all God's doing. I am so in awe of how he continues to provide and work out the details! No matter how crazy His plan may be, I know that only by following Him will my life ever really make sense. Crazy right? Crazy wonderful!
With only two weeks to go and all plans falling into place I can barely stand the anticipation. Everything anyone says to me consistently reminds me of India. I think about it constantly. I truly miss India. I especially miss the very dear people that I love there. No matter how hard this road back to India has been or will be, IT IS WORTH IT! It is more than worth it. I was reading a Karen Kingsbury book the other day, Family, (in the Firstborn series which I would recommend if you enjoy Christian romance novels) and it mentioned a passage in 2 Chronicles 20. I opened up the Word and read the passage and the Lord spoke to my heart. This is the passage:
This is what the Lord says to you: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's...You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." -2 Chronicles 20: 15 & 17
I had been feeling discouraged and even a little afraid, but then the Lord again spoke right into my soul the very words I needed to hear. He is pretty amazing like that. He reminded me that the battle is not mine. It doesn't matter that there are many against me here and in India because God is fighting this battle for me. I just have to take up my position (following Him to India alone and unsure of what's to come) and stand firm (never wavering in believing He is faithful). I don't have to be afraid or discouraged because the Lord will be with me. No matter what. As long as I follow Him and I stand firm, He will be with me and the battle is His.

Lub-dub, lub-dub

I learned from Dr. Kreitzer in Anatomy 1 or 2 that the heart makes a lub-dub sound when it beats. The lub is the closing of the mitral valve (right side of the heart) or tricuspid valve (left side of heart). The dub represents the closing of the pulmonary valve (right side) or the aortic valve (left side). (I hope all of my nursing and pre-med friends enjoyed that :) )
You may be wondering what my point of telling you this was. Well, to be quite honest, I think my 'dub' is malfunctioning. Since I have come home from India, it has been harder to breathe and I think the reason is that my 'dub' isn't working properly therefore blood cannot be pushed to my lungs via my pulmonary arteries or to the rest of my body via my aorta. (sorry...but i have to retain my knowledge somehow...keep it fresh) When I left India, I didn't just leave my clothes and my leftover toiletries, but I also left part of my heart there. Apparently, from what I've learned, it is pretty vital to have all of your heart inside your body at the same time. I guess that is why my 'dub' is malfunctioning. The kids, "my kids", they stole my right and left ventricles and now it is nearly impossible for me to live without them. Believe me, I have tried.
Honestly, a huge, vital part of my heart is still in India. My heart is with my precious babies in Ajmer who I dream about constantly whether I am awake or asleep. My heart is with the amazing kids who lived in our neighborhood. My heart is with the kids who came to our children's program everday at the slum we visited. My heart is with the attention starved kids in and around the leper colony we visitied. My heart is with the beggars whose hopeless eyes touched the very depths of my soul. The Lord has given me an earnest passion for the people of India, and as I prayed for him to make me bold, he did just that. He taught me to love boldly, and in doing so, I lost part of my heart to the people there. I miss them more than words can describe. The fact that in just 3 weeks I will be in India again is unreal to me. Is this really happening? Is it true that I just might be able to breathe normally again when my right and left ventricles rejoin my right and left atria? When I hold my kids in my arms again, these arms that have ached for them ever since I tore myself away less than 2 months ago, will my heart again beat regularly, making that magical lub-dub sound? I know without a doubt that it will. I only pray my 'lub' does not give out until then.
The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through LOVE. Galatians 5:6

Reckless Abandon

As I continue on this adventure, I want to be real on my blog, to let you all in on things I am struggling with, things the Lord is doing in my heart, things I need prayer for, and the ways I know I will see the Lord's miraculous power come through for me and for those around me (or half-way around the world!) again and again. This is me trying my best to be raw and vulnerable. Feel free to leave comments below.
On this incredible journey I call my life there are countless ups and downs. As I do my best to follow the Lord with reckless abandon, I struggle to only listen to his voice alone. In this world, it is often so hard to just Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him... (Psalm 37:7 NIV). Especially when we are bombarded by questions. As I am planning to return to India in only 3 weeks!, I have had many questions thrown in my direction. People consistently wonder how I will raise the support I need. They ask why I don't just finish school first. Why am I going back now? What am I accomplishing? What will I do when I get back in June? How can I afford not to work for another three months (since I have not worked since September 1 when I was getting ready to leave for India the first time on 9/12)? What will I do when I get back? Where will I live? Where will I go to school? Who? What? When? Where? How? And to tell you the honest truth, my answer to these questions: I have no idea! I DON'T KNOW. And that scares people. Sometimes it even scares me. This was never my plan, of course my heart is still in India and I am beyond thrilled to be going back, but I never imagined this would be the course my life would take. I always thought I would attend all four years of college at Indiana Wesleyan University, graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Nursing, work for a couple of years to save some money, meet the man God created just for me, get married, and then move overseas to be a full time missionary. Hmm....for some reason I don't think things are turning out the way I had planned, but just like the Lord always does, He gently reminds me of truths I have known for so long, yet sometimes I still forget. He gently chided me stating, "Good thing you are not in control, I AM." So it is ok that I don't know, because He does. No matter how crazy what I am doing may seem to me or to the rest of the world and even though I may have no idea what I will be doing in June when I get home, I can find peace in the truth that I am not in control.
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. (Matthew 6:31-34 NLT)
So often when I get caught up in the details or I start to worry about tomorrow, I hear the whisper in my heart reminding me to "Be still, know I AM GOD ALMIGHTY, wait patiently, and trust me."
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. (1 Kings 19:11-13 NIV)
So often God is in the whisper and I don't even hear it. Be still. Wait patiently. Listen for the whisper.

A Typical Day

A typical day in Delhi:
-Wake up around 7am
-Just me and Jesus time until 9
-9am team breakfast
-10am (or whenever the drivers and translators arrived) leave for ministry---the team split into three different ministry groups, my group went to a slum and leper colony
-After leaving the house, we would drive about an hour to Pastor Lalmani's house (the pastor at the slums) and have chai and visit with his family
-Then we would head to the slums for our children's program
-After the children's program, we would often have people come to the church for prayer or we would visit houses to pray over people...wow! I saw the Lord's miraculous healing power in a way I had never seen it before! Truly God is SO BIG!
-Next, we would drive about a half hour to our leper colony where we would visit with the lepers and their families, pray over people, and play with the kids in the colony and in the nearby slums (more like they attacked us and we attempted to keep our limbs attached to our bodies). These kids where more starved for love than any kids I have ever seen before. They wanted our love and attention so bad that they literally hit us and hurt us just so we would pay attention to them...this truly was a heartwrenching challenge for me.
-Around 5pm we would arrive back at our house in Delhi
-After arriving home, we would have free time until about 7pm (unless you were on dinner duty that week). This is the time we would wash clothes (by hand), shower, play guitar, read, hang out, or do more ministry prep.
-We would normally eat dinner around 7-7:30
-After dinner, we would usually have either team teaching time, small group time, worship, or free night (Monday).
-We usually went to bed between 11pm and 12am

-This was a normal day in Delhi, except for Mondays (prayer days), Saturdays (off days), and Sundays (church and a little afternoon free time)

What Is Love?

My first trip to India changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. When I departed in September, I had no idea what to expect. I only knew the Lord had a great plan for this time. After a week of training camp and team building with the 17 other people I would be living with for 3 months, we left the comforts of America and headed to India where I found a new home. India was nothing like I imagined and it definetly was not all pleasant, but while I was there I fell in love like never before. I'm not even sure that I really knew ( I mean REALLY knew) what love was until that point. Love is unconditional. Love doesn't take into consideration what caste you are in, what you are wearing or not wearing, and love truly is blind. I learned what love was while having to wipe off the dirt on my face and arms after playing with a bunch of kids in the slums and leper colonies that don't have parents who keep them well bathed and dressed. I learned to love while letting a little boy wipe another little boy's spit off of my face with his left hand (which is considered the unclean hand in India). The Lord taught me unconditional and true, deep love again and again as babies fell asleep in my arms and as I had no idea where their parents were, I just sat on the steps holding them. He taught me love as I heard orphans screaming praise to His name. I learned new depths of love as I lived with 17 other people in one house for three months with very little alone time. I learned that love truly knows no language.
It was in Ajmer at the orphanage I will be heading back to on Feb. 27 that I fell so deeply in love with 21 of the most precious kids. I can hardly believe that I have only spent 2 weeks with them, yet I love them so passionately. I would do absolutely anything for them. The love I have been given for them is surely from the Lord and it is unlike anything I have ever felt before. While I was with them, I was complete and I was overflowing with joy. When I had to leave and I did not know if I would ever see them again, I felt like life was spinning out of control. My heart literally hurt and I could barely breathe. Now, as I am counting down the days until I return, I can barely stand the anticipation. I am beyond excited to go and hold them in my arms. I absolutely cannot wait to bandage their boo boos, to wipe away their tears, to sit with 3 of them in my lap at one time, to pray with them, to play catch with bottle caps, to sing with them, to rub lotion on their arms and legs and then tuck them into bed, and to just simply love on them. It is so humbling to me that the Lord has chosen me to go and pour out His love on them for this time. Love, as I found out, truly can make a huge impact on the people the Lord places in our paths. Our mission really is that simple: just simply and passionately love all people everywhere at all times.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1

My Mission

Namaste!
Welcome to my new blog! I will be posting entries about my last trip to India, updates as I travel to India for another three months, and pictures from both trips. I titled my blog "Loving All Castes" because this is my mission. The caste system (India's social ranking system) is not considered to be active today; however, it's influence still grips the society. From the high class businessmen, to the middle class farmers and artisans, to the low class untouchables (lepers, beggars, and the severely impoverished) my mission is to love them all. What better mission could I ask for?